I Hold On
by SunshineandBarefoot
Summary: I got the idea for this from Dierks Bentley's song I Hold On ( baby, looking at you right now, There ain't never been no doubt Without you I'd be nothing So if you ever worry about Me walking out Yeah, let me tell you something. I hold on. I hold on. Can you hear me, baby? I hold on)
1. Chapter 1

It's been three weeks since everyone was cleared to return back to the field. Deeks knew though that Kensi's storm was still raging inside and she would in no way let him or anyone else in. He knew she was still upset with him not going on the rescue mission, but he had his reasons and someday she would understand but now was not it. So like he had promised her outside of the ambulance he would be patient with her.

Deeks woke early that morning and grabbed Monty's leash for their morning run like he did every morning before hitting the waves.

Throughout his morning routine he ran everything from the last few weeks through his mind wondering what he could have done different. Going on the mission to rescue her was out of the question, it would have been too much to see her tied up beaten, bleeding, and bruised. No, not after what he went through at the hands of Sidorov and Andros. She told him she knew what he was going through, God did he wish she never would know the physical pain only to have it happen not even a year later and it killed him inside knowing he wasn't there to have her six like he always did. He would have even broken his promise to never get himself killed if it meant her never experiencing the pain and torment.

He showered and grabbed his bag and coffee making sure he had the card that he scrolled his favorite words that he always made sure she knew when she had to go undercover on her own on, there was a tiny bit of hope they would be what she needed to open up to him again. Arriving at OSP he mutters to himself of course she's here already what else did you expect, now you got to find another way of planting the note. Setting his bag on his desk and looking around no body was at their desks despite the urge to go looking for them he was on a mission and he had to be quick, he didn't want to just set it on her desk she'd find it too quickly. Finding her stack of not yet viewed files she would be working on for the day he sticks the note in a folder about five down in the stack.

"Ahem... what are you doing at my desk Deeks" Kensi asks sounding a bit curious after all it had been a while since he stepped foot near her desk.. in fact it seemed he walked as if he was on thin ice around her and chose his words very carefully which was unlike him but she knew why.

"I uh... I was just grabbing a few files to make your work load easier" he replied with a smile picking up the files making sure to leave the one with the note and returning to his desk.

"Mr. Deeks a word with you please." Hetty calls from her desk

"Uh oh Deeks what'd you now?" Sam asks with a smirk

"That can be a number of things" Kensi chides in

"Why do you guys automatically assume I'm in trouble when he Hetty calls me?" he says walking away

"How are you today?" Hetty asks as he takes a seat

"I'm good. Got up went for a run with Monty, caught some awesome waves. You know my normal routine.. but today seems much better than the others right now"

"And your partner? How is she?"

"Kensi.. well she uh.. she seems to be in a little better of spirits still not talking to me but hey she cracked a small joke., that's a start right?"

"Of course Mr. Deeks but remember in our line of work we are all haunted by nightmares and at some point your partner will need a friend, don't lose hope if the storm begins to rage beyond her strength that's when she'll need you most and won't admit it"

Returning to his desk he opens a file and begins reading it over noticing that all eyes are on him wondering if he was in trouble or not. "Relax guys I'm not going anywhere, you won't have to train a new puppy anytime soon"

"Who says we're gonna train someone else? We were thinking of replacing you with Monty.. I mean he gets a long great with Kensi, doesn't talk ba-" Callen said

"Oh but you see Monty has to listen to this one station and Kensi hates it, so it wouldn't work out too well" Deeks interrupted

"It's a lose lose situation no matter what. We'd be better off training a new guy.. preferably Thor" she says with a sigh

"Really Kens? Okay I'll play this game I would rather be partnered with.. "

"Well Sam now we know why she kept him around for so long.. he's the closest thing to Thor she'll ever get."

"Good point G. Hey wait I'm the closest to Thor look at these guns" Sam says flexing his biceps

"Your uh.. kinda lacking the golden locks that come with Thor" Deeks says pointing to hair

"Hey Kens the kids are getting along again"

"I see that Callen, give them another half hour or so and we'll have separate the two to different room and take away their toys" She says closing the file she was currently working on.

Deeks watches from the corner of his eye as she grabs the next file, the one he hid the note in.

"Hey Deeks how come you couldn't have been more help on these and taken more than 4?" She asks looking down at the closed file dreading the mounds of files left

"Because then the day would be too easy on you Princess" he says not even looking up from his current file

She knows there is reason he was at her desk and a reason he had left this file because he counted how many he was taking and was now putting off opening the file "But I thought that's what partners were for." she says now looking at him wondering why he is staring at his file and not at her, but clearly in another space or even dimension.

He feels her stare and makes no attempt at looking up from his file, now wondering if the note was really a good idea or maybe it was just his nerves. What if she gets mad. Oh well Marty it's too late now he tells himself and finally meets her gaze. "I don't see Sam and Callen taking over paperwork for each other, so no, that's not entirely what partners are for."

"But Sam and Callen have a completely different partnership than we do Deeks." she says with emphasis on different

Deeks starts to open his mouth with a reply but closes it again and looks down at the current case he is working on. He doesn't want to sound to harsh on her but he wants to know where exactly they stand so with out looking up he asks "It is?"

"Deeks I didn't.."

"No Kens I completely understand." he closes the folder and stands up "I'm going to get lunch, anyone else want something while I'm out?" he jotted down what everyone wanted and left

Kensi looked back down at the file and slowly opened the file. There folded in half was a card that she knew had nothing to do with the case she slowly opened the card and there written in her partners hand writing were the words he had first said to her when she went undercover on the King case..

_Sunshine, I will be with you every step of the way, even if you don't see me. _

She folds it back up and sticks it in her bag, not saying a word she leaves. She has to think and wants to be alone. She knew it would happen sooner or later, he would find a way back in it's what he did best. No matter how hard she tried to keep him at arms length he wiggled his way in and this time it was harder especially after the night they shared when she let her walls down completely.

Deeks returned a moment later with every ones lunch and just as he figured she had already left. It was really no surprise he knew she would need time after she found the card, just like he needed time after his torture. He was so lost in thought he didn't hear Sam the first couple times he called his name.

"What'd the note say?" Sam asks

"what note?"

"Deeks we are highly trained agents, we know it was you who put the note in the file so she would find it." Callen says

Deeks sighs and looks at them both, before I tell you what it said at least tell me if she was angry.

"No she wasn't. She had that I'm missing a piece of the puzzle look that she always gets" Sam said

"The one she gets before saying what?" Deeks asks

"Yep" they both said

"Alright I told her I'd be with her every step of the way, even if she didn't see me. It's something I've always said when I can't be there to have her back in the field.. I just thought if I told her I was still here that she'd talk to me, that she'd let me back in."

"Give her some time Deeks, she'll come around."

"I know. I'm not going anywhere, I've already promised I would be patient with her."

Sam and Callen exchanged a look and turned back to him "So uh how long were you two an item before the Thappa case?" Callen inquires

Deeks chuckles and decides it's time to change topics from his and Kensi's personal life "What's new with you and Joelle?"

"You're right it's not my business" Callen says with a smirk on his face.

"I figured" Deeks says with cheeky grin

The work day ended on a pretty boring note. No case that required them to go out in the field, the guys invited him out for beers but he opted to go home and get some rest told them some other night and they'd be on him. He unlocked his door and set his keys on the table and grabbed a beer out of the fridge and flicked the cap in the garbage before turning around and seeing her sitting there on his couch in the dark.

"I needed you Deeks, and you weren't there" she says not looking up

"I'm here now Kensi, all you gotta do is just let me in"

"I needed you to rescue me like I rescued you"

"You mean when you left me tied to that chair?"

"I came back for you!" her vulnerability now evident as the tears rolled down her cheeks "I was following orders, and it killed me. I just assumed you would come with where we heading with our thing and after that night but.."

"You really don't have a clue do you?" he interrupts with a sarcastic laugh "you know you once told me you knew what I was going through, but obviously you didn't because if you did we wouldn't be having this fight."

"You said you were good that I had no reason to worry about you."

"I know Kens and I act like nothing bothers me, it's what I have always done but at the end of the day there will always be that one thing that takes me back.."

_Flash Back_

"_Sam, Callen you are needed in ops immediately Mr. Deeks my office please." Hetty said_

"_Is this in regards to Kensi and her classified job Hetty?"_

"_Mr. Deeks I'm sorry to tell you this but Granger has lost contact with Ms. Blye"_

"_How? Why? This wouldn't have happened if you had not sent her there alone! What was she doing there any ways?"_

"_Mr. Deeks I need you to calm down."_

"_Calm down!? You can't be serious. My partner is missing because of a job you sent her on. For all we know she could already be dead."_

"_I doubt that Mr. Deeks, we must think positive. Sam and Callen flight leaves at 2100. You are to go home."_

"_No I have to go she needs me"_

"_I'm afraid that's not possible. We don't know what condition your partner will be in when we find her, and we can not risk your life on the mission. I'm sorry Mr. Deeks"_

"_What the hell am I suppose to do in the mean time? You can't expect me to sit here the whole time."_

"_You will go home and take care of yourself and Monty. And that is an order Mr. Deeks"_

_Walking into his apartment and shutting his door it all hits him. He leans against the door and slides down face in his hands crying. Images of his torture flashing vividly through his mind and the pain of the drill in his teeth. He can feel it all crying out in pain. It wasn't suppose to be like this, she wasn't suppose to know what this all felt like._

Kensi watches the change in eyes and face and can tell he has gone to another place... that he's right back there in that body shop tied to that chair. "Deeks you uh.. you want to talk about it?"

"Yeah, no, I don't know. I was just remembering the day Hetty told me Granger lost contact with you." he pauses to fight back the tears "I tried convincing Hetty to let me go but she said no. I wasn't in a position to go in case you were in bad shape when they found you, she told me to go home and that it was an order. All I could think of when I got home was what Sidorov and Andros did to me, I could feel the drill going into my teeth and the pain. I could have ignored orders Kens but the memories were too much, the thought of you going through what I went through.. the image of you battered and bleeding would have killed me."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey guys sorry it has taken so long for his update. I kept getting writers block and had ideas for my other stories. My husband was in accident in May that involved a train. He is still here! We moved the beginning of June from Florida to Ohio. So things have been pretty busy here.**

**Enough about me hope you all enjoy this update :)**

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Kensi spoke.

"I was sent to kill a man they called White Ghost he was selling military intel to the enemy. It was no different than what we do here but at the same time it was. We have faces to go with the names and locations they were last scene, but over there we didn't." she pauses wiping a tear away "The only people I knew was Granger at first and then I found out Sabatino was working the case, but it was all sketchy because his partner was killed, head cut off, and no body was around except for Sabatino himself and he never saw who it was."

"Did you suspect it was him?"

"God Deeks you should have seen him when he found out I looked into him as a possible suspect, he told me to get ready for a trip, took me to the middle of no where and confronted me about it. He was pretty pissed shot the radiator of the car just to make sure I wouldn't follow him."

"I kinda can understand why.. I mean you were pretty much the only person he knew, and not to mention he uh.. he hit on you." Deeks lets out a small chuckle "Good thing he's not your type"

She doesn't laugh or smile and continues looking down. "I woke one morning a chopper went down and we were going to check things out but there was nothing. They took everything including the bodies. When we got back to base Agent Booker told us he located the insurgents and I told him to send me the coordinates and get me a bike. Told Granger I was going to do what he brought me here for."

She doesn't say anything else for a few moments and Deeks can see she is struggling. "Kens was that when you were captured?"

"No."

"But it's when you saw him.. I mean Jack"

"I had a clear shot, about to pull the trigger when he uncovered his face and I froze. Granger was telling me over the comms to take the shot but I couldn't, not after seeing it was him, so I missed on purpose."

"Right. Because it was your chance to get the answers you wanted. You never fully moved on I get it."

She can hear the conviction in his voice though he tries to hide it and it hurts. It wasn't suppose to be like this. She wasn't suppose to run into Jack. She wasn't suppose to have these feelings for Jack after all these years. It had been nine years since he walked out and gave up on them and yet she allowed what she felt for him win over. "I recorded a video and set it on a time stamp to email OPS if I didn't return and set out to find him. I had to be sure he was a bad guy first, I was captured and taken to the cave where you guys found me. I don't know how long I was there but I woke up to voices and talking and heard his. I called out his name and next thing I knew they dragged him into the cave and left him." she pauses before continuing and wipes more tears away "He told me he was finally free from everything when he left that Christmas morning and he converted to Islam and fell in love, got married and had a child.. a little girl."

Deeks pulled her into his arms hugged her tight while she cried. He wasn't sure where they stood with their thing but right now she needed a friend and he promised he would be patient and he was a man of his word right?

"I wasn't enough to him bring him back.. What if I'm not enough to bring anyone back from that dark place Deeks?"

"Hey wait no don't think like that Kens." he pulls back and lifts her chin up so she's looking at him "Don't ever feel you are not enough for anybody or anything"

"How can you be so sure?" she asks

"Because YOU are the reason I am at this point beyond the torture. You healed my heart and my life. You were the one who brought me back from the darkest place I had ever been. With out your persistence to be there for me there is no telling where I would be right now. Kens you are the best thing to have ever come into my life."

Kensi wraps her harms around him placing a soft kiss to his lips inhaling his scent and reveling in the feel of his touch as he draws her closer to him and remembering how much she longed for this moment.

The moment her lips touched his he instinctively pulled her closer. He dreamt a hundred dreams of this moment since her reassignment and god he couldn't get enough of it. Eventually they would need to separate for air but right now he was perfectly fine with suffocating in her scent and taste.

Kensi broke the kiss leaning her forehead against Deeks and sighed "You have no idea how much I missed this" before a loud grumble from her stomach erupted

"Oh I think I do and I believe that is my cue to go get food" he said with a chuckle "why don't we talk more later about this and you get a bubble bath and I go get some yummy yummy heart attack."

Kensi cocks her head to the side and raises an eyebrow "bubble bath?"

"Oh come on don't look at me like it's some big surprise that I own bubble bath stuff. I was a hopeless romantic in my past life."

"Past life huh.. So you're no longer a hopeless romantic"

"Hearing it from you just sounds wrong.. I'm sure you know what I meant"

"oh back to this.."

"Kensi please, I don't want to fight anymore. I know I suck at communicating but so do you and we have a long road ahead of us and we both have demons to battle."

"You're right, I'm sorry. Okay so you go get food and I will go relax in a hot bubble bath."

"Hey uh you need help getting.."

"Nope but I do need clothes from my house so can you get me something on your way to get dinner?"

"Yeah sure."

"Hey Deeks no plundering in my stuff and Thank you.. for everything today"

"Anything for my sunshine" he said with a smile

Deeks walked Monty and then went to get dinner and Kensi's clothes. Walking into her apartment he noticed it was exactly as he had he left it while she was in Afghanistan. Spotless and tidy as if she hadn't even been there but the blanket and pillow on the couch proved otherwise.

After searching everywhere he concluded Kensi had nothing clean except lingerie and if he showed up with that she would kill him.. though he would love to see her in it, he would gladly wait a lifetime for that. He dialed a number on his phone and waited. "Hey Nell you wouldn't happen to know what size Kensi wears would you?"

"I might have an idea why?" Nell asks

"She sent me to grab some clothes from her place but all I am finding clean is lingerie and I do not feel like dying tonight"

"Okay I'll take care of it for you where do you want to meet?"

"I gotta grab dinner so meet you at yummy yummy heart attacks?"

"Okay I'll let you know if I run into some trouble" Nell hung up and looked over at Eric "I gotta run to the store to grab something for Kensi, you wanna come to or just wait here?"

"Why can't she get it herself?" Eric asked

Nell sighed "Because she is at Deeks place and doesn't know he called me because she has nothing clean at her house and he doesn't have time to wash her something and get food."

"She doesn't have anything at his place?"

"Do you think if she did she would have worn the same exact outfit two days in a row before her mission in Afghanistan?"

"Okay I'm coming just don't ask me what I think because I don't want that image in my head"

Deeks locked the door and headed to get dinner.

Kensi sank down in the tub of bubbles and sighed as the hot water enveloped her sore aching body. She closes her eyes remembering the last time she was here. He had actually said what he really meant and they had taken that step, only for her to be sent off that next day after promising that she would work on talking about their thing and asking him to be patient with her. That first night there was the hardest looking over pictures of them together. The phone call at Christmas when he used Monty instead of telling her he was missing her. She could read between all the lines, she knew him that well. Her mind wandered on to the events that led her to where she was now. The self doubt of being worthy enough for someones heart ever again, ever having a family of her own like she once dreamed of years ago with Jack. The nightmares and flashbacks of the torture she went through, watching them drag Jack out of the cave after she had gotten closure. Reuniting with the team and coming home to an empty and clean apartment. She chuckled at the memory of finding it clean and organized much like her desk when Deeks found her W2. The memory brought a smile to her face. It was simpler times before Deeks torture and love stories and tacos with a french flare and frozen lakes and white ghosts that was just a ruse of revenge. She opened her eyes and looked at Monty who had his snout resting on the edge of the tub and reached out to pet him "Some love story huh Monty?"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey guys sorry it has been so long since I updated things got rough for us after the move and I just had no desire to write but here I am hope you guys enjoy this update.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

The water went cold and Kensi slowly got up and wrapped herself in a towel. What could possibly take so long to grab a change of clothes and food she thought to herself as she rummaged through his drawers trying to find something to throw on in the mean time. She grabbed one of his LAPD tshirts and a pair of pajama pants and got dressed and crawled into his bed for some reason she was cold even though it was warm out. Maybe it was the revisiting of her darkest days but she knows that the only way to move past it is to talk about and find someone willing to listen. Nell had been there her first night home and many nights after.

Nell pulled into the parking next Deeks car and got out handing the bag of clothes "you owe me big time for this shaggy"

Deeks catches a glimpse of Eric in the car "you should have told me you had company I would figured something out"

"No it's okay I was a little worried about her when she left. I also got a pint of ice cream for you guys.. mostly her but she will always share a bite or two"

"How many nights did she interrupt between you and Beale?"

"We don't keep record of that. After what she went through Eric and I agreed that she always came before our dates"

"Damn.. if I had known that Beale and I could have caught lots of waves on the weekends"

"Easy there Eric and I haven't been an item that long and please don't let Kens know she ended dates."

"Not a word from me. You guys get out of here and finish you partner bonding session and remember always use.."

"Deeks no.. just no.. See you guys tomorrow" Nell put the car in reverse and backed out

Deeks unlocked the door and hollered out "Sunshine I'm home"

Kensi come out his room "It smells so good I'm starving"

"There's my partner" he says handing her food and a spork

She smiles and takes her food digging in and asks "Did you get dessert too?" around a mouth full of food

"Classy and no I didn't but Nell remembered for me" he says holding up a quart of Rocky Road

"Nell? When did you run into her and I thought I was more sassy than classy"

"I had to call her for back up because you had nothing clean and I was crunched in time and didn't want to offend you.. besides I might not have been able to steer clear of the sexy lingerie" he says

"Eh I guess you wouldn't look to bad in something skimpy and sexy" she said with a wink

"If you wanted to see this wonderful body with nothing on all you gotta do is ask princess"

"I have.. and I'm still trying to recover from it"

"Yeah I've been told one night with Marty Deeks can lead to an addiction"

"What delusional girl told you this?"

"You say things like that and I know you don't mean them"

"I missed this so much" she says quietly

"I did too it's good to have my best friend back" he says smiling

"Did you interrupt Eric and Nell's date night too?" Kensi asks out of curiosity she knows they are an item now she can see it in how they look at each other and despite them denying it the few times Eric tagged along claiming he was just a concerned friend she was a trained agent she could notice the small things and lies.

"Eric and Nell are dating.. what since when?" he says hoping she lets it go

"Right she told you not to tell me. Seems no body wants to tell me anything anymore, I was sent off on a classified case not knowing anything and I still don't know the truth as to why or what the hell I was supposed to be doing there, I was gone five months and everything has changed and yet my best friends, the closest thing I have to a family are all acting as if nothing has changed, like I am incapable of handling the change. Everyone of you act as if I don't see it and the one person I expected the truth from is lying to me right now" she wipes away a tear that has fallen and makes no point to look at Deeks and she feels childish for it but it hurts that everyone is walking on eggshells around her.

"Yeah I did only I didn't pay enough attention at the office to see how they looked at each other or any of that stuff because I worried about my partner and best friend. I'm sorry I lied Nell just doesn't want you to feel bad about interrupting them."

"Too late for that I noticed a pattern and figured out what days they have date night and that is part of the reason I cam here tonight.. I'm so tired of feeling alone."

"But your not alone Kens, I just wish I wasn't your last choice"

"I just didn't want you to see me so broken Deeks."

Pulling her into his arms he presses a kiss to her hair "I'll be right here to help pick up the pieces, I promise"

**A/N: I was hoping for this chapter to be a little longer than this but felt this was where to end for now. Leave a review and let me know what you think.**


End file.
